Thursday, June 03, 2010
by Daily Sport
.
ONCE again binge drinking is big news. The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence wants a minimum price on booze. They claim that banning cut price alcohol would be the most effective way of tackling excessive drinking and its effect on the NHS. Well allow me to present an alternative — and more positive —view.What this country needs is more binge-drinking! What is my evidence for this admittedly controversial assertion? None other than the recently departed actor Dennis Hopper. Now Dennis is rightly revered for his prodigious intake of drink and drugs. At one point he was drinking 36 beers a day as well at least two bottles of rum. And did it do him any harm? Not at all — 74-years-old is a fine respectable age to pop off. Especially if you’ve spent decades consuming a minimum of three grams of coke a day. He appeared in more than 100 films, including Rebel Without A Cause, Apocalypse Now and Blue Velvet —bona fide classics. He directed eight movies — most famously Easy Rider and ace gangland flick Colors. Since the 1960s he was an acclaimed photographer, painter, producer, screenwriter, poet and art collecter. He also appears on the Gorillaz album Demon Days. Granted he gave up the booze in the early 1980s but the majority of his achievements were accomplished when he was pissed as a newt on its 21st birthday in Cardiff. Now let’s look at another recently deceased celebrity — Gary Coleman. Gary Coleman didn’t drink 36 beers a day. He appeared in Diff’rent Strokes then he went bankrupt. He died aged 42 after falling over. Now ask yourself — what would you prefer? A nation of Hoppers or a nation of Gary Colemans?
CHARLOTTE Church and Gavin Henson have, depending on who you believe, split up or are enjoying a trial separation. It’s rarely discussed how much fun trial separations can be. You can drink as much as like, bathe as rarely as you want, catch up with the lads and watch every sporting event on the telly. You don’t have to do the washing up, shave or even cook —you can live off takeaways and lager — and there’s no need to hide the porn either. Even better you tend to lose a shedload of weight because of the stress. And technically you’re allowed to shag about a bit. I hope Charlotte and Gavin enjoy their trial separations as much as I’ve enjoyed mine over the years. As to whether they get back together — well I hope not. I’ve missed the Charlotte we all know and love, the fit one who gets roaring drunk and falls over a lot, “Mrs Henson” was dull and frumpy in comparison. Welcome back Charlotte — fancy a cheeky Vimto?
HOW hard can it be to plug an oil leak? BP engineers are working on their latest attempt to bung up the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico after Operation Top Kill failed. Up to 800,000 gallons of oil have been gushing from the undersea well into the environment for six weeks now and four attempts to stop it have not worked. And if this new wheeze doesn’t work it could be Christmas before it’s sorted out. If that wasn’t enough,it’s nearly hurricane season! But there is one easy solution and, as usual, it falls to me to point it out. It will, however, require the sacrifice of one human life. Step forward Vanessa Feltz.
THEO Walcott didn’t get selected for England’s World Cup squad because he was sh*t in the two last friendlies and has had a poor season. End of discussion. But there is one man I’d like to see on the plane - John Terry’s dad Edward, who escaped jail for supplying cocaine this week. What better man to put the skids on Argentina’s World Cup challenge? All he needs to do sidle up to Diego Maradona, tip him a wink and slip him a wrap – and then bingo! The Argies will be taken out of the equation before the tournament even begins.
THE CROSSBOW cannibal case has already proved one important thing. The new government needs to take a serious look at legalising brothels. All of the victims were streetwalkers - and one, Susan Rushworth, even went hooking with her daughter Kirsty. Licensed brothels would go at least some way to getting these vulnerable ladies off the streets and a little bit safer.
WE got the first scandal of the new government in record time, didn’t we? Treasury minister David Laws fell on his sword after it emerged he claimed £40,000 in second home expenses for renting a room to his gay lover James Lundle. Still it looks like he’ll be back at some point soon, as he was seen as a bit of a star in the new cabinet. David Cameron released a statement after Laws flung himself on the dustheap, thanking him and saying the Treasury will continue all the good work he has done. Which is, frankly, mental. He was only in the job for 17 days — he probably didn’t even have his email set up yet. What good work could he have possibly done in such a short time to warrant such a tearful goodbye?
SOME boffin claims the oldest child in a family is three times more likely to become a rock star. Well I was the oldest child in my family. So I’m understandably a bit narked that I’m not swimming in drugs, cash and groupies. What the hell went wrong?
LORD John Prescott — the Honorable Prezza, His Royal Lardarse. To be honest I’m thrilled that John has taken his place in the House of Lords. He’ll bring a much needed element of humour to the chamber. I’ve heard that his favourite Chinese takeaway in Hull has developed a special set menu in his honour— the Lord’s Banquet. Apparently it consists of 74 spring rolls, two entire ducks, three chicken chow meins, assorted dim sum, three beef in black bean sauce plus four other meals of your choosing. Oh yes and to finish — one After Eight mint. and a sick bucket.
| Related Articles |
|
There are no related articles.
|
|
